5 of the 6 answers on the back of a trivia card

This nonsensical piece is an exercise I did in my creative nonfiction class. it's inspired by the essay "The 6 Answers on the Back of a Trivia Card." My teacher handed out trivia cards and had us make up answers to the questions. I would have done all 6, but for one of the questions I couldn't figure out whether my answer was racist or not. And if I have to ask that, well...it probably is.

What’s the biggest city on the island of Java?

In Java? Frankly, I’d say Mozilla Firefox or something like Windows 7 because it never shuts up about making me upgrade to the newest installment of Java, which in turn makes me upgrade to the Yahoo toolbar. I can’t upgrade Java without installing the Yahoo toolbar, which makes me hate the Yahoo toolbar. 

Dude, I use Google. I use Google because it doesn’t make me upgrade to anything and it has considerably less obnoxious properties than the Yahoo Toolbar, although sometimes Google Instant can be really annoying, especially when it takes you to a page you didn’t want to go to because you weren’t finished typing.

Plus, there’s that whole condescending “Did you mean…” and you know that they’re just aching to add “hey, idiot” at the beginning of each question. But other than that, I love it. I especially love whenever it’s some special day in history or some obscure person is born, Google changes its title page to something interesting (When it did that Pac-Man thing? Golden) and makes my day just the weensiest bit better. 

The day Yahoo outshines Google will be the day I finally update Java. But for now, I’ll just keep doing my usual “upgrade until I get to the Yahoo toolbar so my computer will just shut up about it” spiel.

Oh, and I used Google to find out the biggest city on the island of Java, which is Jakarta. So there, Java.    

What decade first saw U.S. women vote in equal numbers to men?

Frankly, I've never voted. Now, before you cart me off and lynch me for being a terrible citizen, let me explain. 

When I was 18 and could first vote, I missed the registration and was in another state and was completely ignorant of the absentee ballot thing. Then last November when we had another election, I was registered and READY TO VOTE and then I had zero time all day and no transportation to get to the specific elementary school I had to vote at, which was in Milwaukee. Okay, that’s a lie. But it was far enough away that I would miss all my important classes if I walked there and back again. Sorry. Maybe in 2012?

Oh, and it was in 1950. I was genuinely surprised to find that out.

What animal’s fat was most often used in the manufacture of explosives during World War II?

Pig’s, apparently. Sick.

It’s amazing that fat can be used at all while manufacturing explosives. How does it work? Is it some chemical in it? Or is it just that the blubber is so disgusting that the other parts of the explosive just explode themselves with embarrassment?

Oh, gross it’s pig fat pig fat pig fat PIG FAT SICK GROSS NASTY EW EW EW I CAN’T BREATHE I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE – BOOM!

What size of triple-E sneakers does Shaquille O’Neal slip into?

Size 21. That must mean...he has really big feet.

This has nothing to do with Shaq, but one time I was watching T.V. with my brother Kurt. He was flicking through the channels when we landed on a Mountain Dew commercial. The commercial was of people at a rock concert, rocking out with their Mountain Dews. (Side note: wouldn’t that make the soda explode in their face? What’s the point of bouncing around with soda in your hand?)

Kurt, who hates rock, said to me, “Liesl, there’s a difference between the worldly and spiritual. This commercial, for example, is worldly.” 

He changed the channel. “This…is spiritual.”

It was a Lakers game.

What John Wayne movie did critic Renata Adler call “vile, insane, dull, stupid, rotten and false”?

The Green Berets. Huh. That’s interesting.

Honestly, I would say The Searchers, but that’s because that’s the only John Wayne movie I’ve seen. I wouldn’t say it’s dull, rotten or false (although I bet a lot of people could argue about the accuracy of their portrayal of Indians), but there were definitely vile elements of insanity in there. But it has the famous line, “That’ll be the day,” so it’s not all bad.

In conclusion, John Wayne is rugged.